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Everything posted by Clodhopper

  1. There's an old Irish saying... I just forgot what it was.
  2. Wait a sec... Rats! Only 13 veiws! Dnas was the last one on there, though.
  3. Welcome Flipster! enjoy these forums!
  4. Wow... that's terrible, I hope your brother's all right.
  5. The site is look'n good, but I like Dnas' website too, the recipes are funny!
  6. Harr, harr. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to his psychiatrist on the other side.
  7. "Family" is a group of people, but at the same time it is a singular word.
  8. Yeah, I thought so too. BTW, how did you get that "unsure" smilie next to the date of your post?
  9. Lol, that second part was hiliarious! here's another one: Journal of an AOL User July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me another one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong. July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am? July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused. July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn't work. I can't get online. July 25 That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled "Phone" when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound. July 26 What's the Internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this Internet thing. I'm confused. July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all. July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone. July 29 I found this thing called Usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not Usenet. July 30 These people in this Usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard. JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITAL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS "CAPS LOCK" KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY "SHIFT" KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION. AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON. AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT, SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DIDN'T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE. AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT, SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES. AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY. AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK! I'M NOT SHOUTING! I'M NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET? August 7 Why have a "Caps Lock" key if you're not supposed to use it? It's probably an extra feature that costs more money. August 8 I just read this post called "Make Money Fast." I'm so excited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find. August 9 I just made my signature file. It's only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more. August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that AOL should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an AOL is. August 11 I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked, but I can't find that group. August 12 I sent a post to every Usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. Hopefully someone will help. I can't ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house, he's laughing so hard he can't eat, or sleep, or do his homework. So they won't let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words. August 13 I sent another post to every Usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem, so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like. August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb. [2002]
  10. I'm afraid so, but he just earned some more.
  11. Here's one called: NewSpeak Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU) the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study of ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example, "cough", "plough", "rough", "through" and "thorough". What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes changes to iron out these anomalies. The program would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using "s" instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard "c" could be replaced by "k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f". This would make words like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be pekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing "th" by "z". Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w". Shortly after zis, ze unesesary "o" kould be dropd from words kontaining "ou". Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, dificultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
  12. Hi, Centurion! welcome to this worthy establishment! Got any nicknames you go by?
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