King Tutankhamun Posted February 7, 2004 Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 OK I got some great ones: Things you learn about computers from the movies: 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing. 3. All monitors display 2-inch high letters. 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA and the CIA, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 7. You can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. Eventually, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors. 8. All computers are connected, so you can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. 9. Powerful computers beep whenever keys are pressed or the screen changes. They also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go any faster than the audience can read it. The *really* advanced ones emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen. 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. (see #7, above) 11. People typing away on a computer always turn it off without saving the data. 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second. 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities. 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system put into it. 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must be brilliant, since the buttons are never labeled. 20. No matter how small, computers have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 21. Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP. 22. Whenever the person looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. 23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. 24. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Op Posted February 7, 2004 Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 May not be as funny as past jokes (it's hard for me to get laughing), but also very truthful Desmond. Gj anyways Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 Did you ever wonder? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Tutankhamun Posted February 7, 2004 Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 One day a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, and avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he @#$%ed into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.And ... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 LOL!! Desond that one is great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Thug AMish Posted February 7, 2004 Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 Confucius says If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.Confucius says man who run behind car get exhaustedConfucius says man who run in front of car get tiredConfucius says Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonto_Icy_Tripod Posted February 7, 2004 Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 Awesome one Desmond Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 7, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 Confucius Say:Man who stands on toilet high in pot.Crowded elevator smells different to midget. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Posted February 7, 2004 Report Share Posted February 7, 2004 Next one has PG-13 rating.A man who sticks penis in peanut butter is !@#$ing nuts.A man who is standing in road is going to get tired.A dog that chases a car is going to get exhausted.(Bad grammar on purpose, it has to be said that way for the effect) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Thug AMish Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 so a guy walks into the office of a psychiatrist completely dressed in saran wrap... and the doctor says, "I can clearly see your nuts!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Two guys walked into a bar. OOWWWWW!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Tutankhamun Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Huh, I don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorian Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 bar = pole Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Here Desmond try this one: Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Tutankhamun Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 I get it! Not that funny though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 It's an inside joke between some my friends and I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Prophet Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Engineering In Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Actual Police Quotes "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid." "In God we trust, all others are suspects." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonto_Icy_Tripod Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Great ones, keep em coming Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 So Hilary Clinton goes to heaven and she sees St. Peter and says "Hi." As she look closely she notices that the wall behind St. Peter is covered with clocks. She asks dumbfounded, "What are the clocks for?""Everytime someone tells a lie the minute hand moves, every sixty lies the hour hand moves.""Well, where would Bill's clock happen to be?""Oh, God's using it as a fan." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Op Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Ahh, I heard the Clinton joke before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Tutankhamun Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Hehehehe that is funny.Also here:http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/lyinking.gif Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chichigrande Posted February 8, 2004 Author Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 That is great Desmond!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aldaron Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Ditto Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quacker Posted February 8, 2004 Report Share Posted February 8, 2004 Eh, here's one a friend told me...kind well, nevermind.How do you get 4 gay guys to sit on a stool? Turn the stool upside-down.No! Don't think about it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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