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Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."


Q: What do you name a dog with no hind legs ans metal testicles?

A: Sparky


Q: Where do you find a dig with no legs?

A: Right where you left it.


Signs That You're A Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

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Classic Baseball Quotes

"It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more of my husband."

--Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981

"It's a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden, you're surrounded by reporters and TV men with cameras asking you about Vietnam and race relations."

--Vida Blue, 1971

"I watch a lot of baseball on the radio."

--Gerald Ford, 1978

"It's a beautiful day for a night game."

--Announcer Frankie Frisch

"The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen."

--Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981

"Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win."

--Announcer Phil Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978

"They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn."

--Casey Stengel, 1962

"I won't play for a penny less than $1500."

--Honus Wagner, turning down an offer of $2000

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26 Things the Movies Taught You...

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3) Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8) Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9) Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

11) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

14) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

20) Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: “Enter Password Now.”

21) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24) If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

26) When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

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Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear On An Airplane

P.A. System

1. Mid-way across the Ocean: This is your Captain speaking, I

just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat

cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of

the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our

airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing


3. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail! Eject! Eject!

4. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the

suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

5. This is your Captain speaking....these new planes are a lot

different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me

some leeway......

6. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their

shades and watched the inflight movie.

7. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

8. Hey capt'n, take another hit man...

9. Get the parachutes ready...

10. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however

the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much

more efficiently now.

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Top Ten Things Not To Say At A Funeral

1. What's that smell?

2. So who's that sleeping in the box?

3. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

4. I would have loaned him my good rope if I'd known what he was

using it for!

5. (to the widow) Now that you're single, how about a date?

6. It must suck to be dead.

7. (crying) I guess this means I'm out of the buck he owes me!

8. When do we eat?

9. Can I have his car?

10. People sure look stupid dead.


Top 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.

4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff


6. There go the lights again...

7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got

two of 'em."

8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my

concentration off.

10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?

11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"

15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.

16. darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.

18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...

19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.


more coming soon

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Name Puns We'd All Like To See

1. - If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. - If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

3. - If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah


4. - If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced

him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John

Newton John.

5. - If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to

marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness


6. - If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

7. - If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be

Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

8. - Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has

no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a

marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then

Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

9. - If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean

(actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM),

and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be

Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

10. - If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and

married Gregory Peck (hey, it's the 2000's), divorced him

and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

11. - If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even

further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then

divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and

married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod

understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers

Lucky Short Guy."


41 Questions That Make You Think

1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty


2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through

teller machines?

6. How did a fool and his money get together?

7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the


8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

10. What's another word for thesaurus?

11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they

taste funny?

18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at

the special olympics?

22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with

their lights off?

32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a


33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right

to remain silent?

34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when

they're already there?

41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal"

or "chicken bird!"


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Words To Live By

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

- He who hesitates is probably right.

- No one is listening until you make a mistake.

- Success always occurs in private, and failure always occurs in full view.

- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

- Two wrongs are only the beginning.

- Monday is an awful way to spend 14.3% of your life.

- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

- The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

- If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

- Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

- Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

- I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

- I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

- I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

- Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

- A day without sunshine is like night.

- I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


I better give somebody else a chance to post some jokes.

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