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LOL... this one's good too, even though it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

A city guy hears from one of his friends that duck hunting is a really cool thing to do. So he goes to the country with a gun and shoots the first duck he sees. However, the owner of the property comes out and says "Hey, you shot a duck on my land? What are you thinking?" And the city guy was completely oblivious to the fact that anyone would divide up the fields and woods. THe country guy said "Well, OK, I can see youre not from around here, but there's a game we play when things like this happen". And the city guy thought OK, and agreed to play. The country guy said "OK here are the rules, I kick you Where it Hurts as hard as I can, then you me, and we keep going until the last one standing wins". The city guy had pretty good leg strength, so he agreed. The country guy kicked as hard as he good, and the city guys bent in pain moaning. As he recovered his strenghth the country guy said, "Well actually, you can just keep the duck".

It's kind of not even a joke, but it's something you read and just say "lol". :P

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Speaking of fun with the telephone...

Call a house and ask for Gary. When they say there's no Gary, say "sorry, I must have the wrong #". Repeat this 4 times over the course of a day. When they're about to blow up, call again a while later and say "Hi, this is Gary, are there any messages for me?"


how would you like to hear this on your voice mail?

Sir, we're not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what happened. But, we went ahead and did it anyway because we knew how important it was to you. If you don't agree with how we did it, we can probably fix it, although it might cost you extra. We knew this was urgent to you, so call us back immediately, thanks bye.

BTW, this isnt unlike the "Comedy Thread" I started a while ago....

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Four old Catholic women are sitting around bragging about their sons. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic mother says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women turn to her and say, "Well...?"

So she replies, "My son is 6' 2, terribly handsome with broad, square shoulders... good manners, dresses very well. He's got a tight, muscular body and tight, hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh, my God!'"


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.

"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing." As the man approached the husband said:

"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted.

"I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."


those are just a few (this is not a joke)

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Call a house and ask for Gary. When they say there's no Gary, say "sorry, I must have the wrong #". Repeat this 4 times over the course of a day. When they're about to blow up, call again a while later and say "Hi, this is Gary, are there any messages for me?"

Been rofling for two minutes now ! :P

Q: What does a lesbian female vampire say to another lesbian female vampire ?

A: Until next month !


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Some good Iraqi army jokes... They actually don't have to be Iraqi, but hey, I live in the US and it's what you hear now, I suppose it would be Russian if I lived a little while longer ago

How do you sink an Iraqi boat?

Put it in the water

What to you do when an Iraqi throws a pin at you?

Run, because he's got a gernade in his mouth

How do you stop an Iraqi tank?

Shoot the person pushing it

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You mean there are jokes that are meant to be offensive?

There are two blonde carpenters. One of them is putting nails in the boards on one of the walls of the house they're building. The other comes over and asks:

Why are you throwing every second nail away?

Oh, it's cause they're the wrong way around. I can't put nails in with the head first.

Noo, you see, they're supposed to be on the other side of the house!

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There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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What not to say to a cop:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.

15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.


Funny Answering Machine Messages

1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.

3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

5) Hi. Now you say something.

6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.


Q: Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A: A golfer goes, whack!..."darn!"

And a skydiver goes, "darn!"... whack!

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