Jokes

[pinkisacolor]

This one is hilarious!!!

There was much gossip in the forest when poeple heard news that there was trouble in the lion house. It appeared that mama lion and papa lion were no longer getting along. After a lot of argument, they decided to get a divorce. The case ended up in Judge Judy's court room. After all was presented Judy decided that they should split everything equally. When everything was split except for their 1 and only son, Judge Judy asked their son, "Baby Lion, would you like to go live with Mama Lion?" Baby Lion replied, "No, no, mama beats me!!!" Judge Judy then asked, "well then would you like to live with Papa Lion?" "No!," shouted Baby Lion, "Papa beats me, too" Judge Judy said, "Oh that's horrible, who would you like to live with?" And smart little Baby Lion replied, "Oh, I want to go live with the Nittany Lions, they don't beat anybody

lol, isn't that funny!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[chichigrande]

I don't really get that one.

Well here's another joke:

Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walkin.

[King Tutankhamun]

Here are some:

Passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one @#$% all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches @#$% should not bite fingernails.

Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change in the dark.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

Man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

Man who drop watch in toilet have @#$%ty time.

Men who @#$%e - come in handy.

Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands.

Constipated people don't give a @#$%.

Field salesman who cover office chair instead of territory stay on bottom.

Man who Subscribe to my FREE NEWSLETTER get money's worth !!

[chichigrande]

LOL Desmond, I love those "Confucious Say" jokes.

[King Tutankhamun]

Yes, they are funny.

[chichigrande]

Ok, her's a funny joke:

There was this guy and he was in a fatal car accident. When he woke up he found himself lieing in a hospital bed. A couple of minutes later the docter walked in.

"I am sorry to tell you this, but we had to amputate your 'man part'"

"What!!!!" replied the man.

"Oh no don't worry, with todays technology we can replace it with another one.

"Ok, great."

"Here are some samples." The docotr shows the man the first sample.

"That's nice, but do you think we can go bigger"

"Ok, here's another one." He shows the guy another sample.

"That's good, but I want something thatn will really impress the ladies.

"I see, well here's the last one." Show the man the third sample.

"Oh, great that'a perfect. But do you have it in white?"

[King Tutankhamun]

Ohh, ohh, Matt. You dawg you!

[chichigrande]

I know, I'm full of jokes.

[pinkisacolor]

I don't really get that one.

Penn State University's nickname is the nittany lions

When the joke says they dont beat anybody it is because they dont (the teams)

[TheCobra1]

Oh.

[chichigrande]

I see, ok now it makes sence.

[Khazun]

O-I got billions of these things in my inbox and my head, most not clean.

Anyway, heres one for ya. (Dont whinge if you are blonde, i am and am not whinging)

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.

"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -

'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

[Aldaron]

Looooool!

Grrreat joke!

[Khazun]

Thanks.

One day a blonde was walking down the street, pointed and said 'hey, look at that dog with one eye'

The other covered up her right eye and said ;where'.

Ill post some better ones later. Do i have to keep them clean?

[dathui]

Thanks.

One day a blonde was walking down the street, pointed and said 'hey, look at that dog with one eye'

The other covered up her right eye and said ;where'.

Ill post some better ones later. Do i have to keep them clean?

haha, great blond jokes

[Aldaron]

Agree... Keep em coming!

[akya]

roflol ^^ great jokes

[King Tutankhamun]

As in clean, it is fine if it is a little dirty. The censor will fix those things.

[chichigrande]

Darwin Awards

For those who don't know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every

year to the person(s) who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing him

or herself from the gene pool.

The Nominees Are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [san Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former

girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun

discharged, blowing a hole in his gut

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Michigan, was killed in March as he

was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got

a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so

that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes

caught on something, however; the other man found Burns "wrapped in the

drive shaft!"

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]

Ken Charles Barger,47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in

Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed,he

reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson . 38 Special,

which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [uPI, Toronto]

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown

Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24

floors to his death. A police spokesman said Gary Hoy, 39, fell into the

courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was

explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.

Hoy had previously conducted demonstrations of window strength according

to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day

Wilson told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the "best and

brightest" members of the 200-man association."

NOMINEE No. 5: [bloomberg News Service]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death

of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but

an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had

consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It

was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in

his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.

Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been

fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom. According to

the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this

deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: ["News of the Weird"]

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent

several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder

conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While

sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV

set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE No. 7: ["The Indianapolis Star"]

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk,

Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of

a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his

face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his

parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was

cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He

was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in

this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko,

55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said

Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. "It appears the chair

moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

AND FINALLY: (These two guys don't count 'cause they aren't dead, but this

is a goodie) [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road

and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday

morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly

after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis,

38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a

frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck

headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on

the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not

available, Wallis noticed that the 22-caliber bullet from his pistol fit

perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After

inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and

the two men proceeded toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the

bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right

testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and

striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the

accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis

sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we

weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be

dead" stated Wallis.

"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a

first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident

happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many

frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

[Khazun]

lol Matt, heard most of them. The darwin awards website is www.darwinawards.com for those of you who havnt heard of it. The book is great.

Perhaps some of my favourite darwin awards entires are: (going off my memory here, so they are heavily abbreviated).

1-A guy decided to take his girlfriend out on a super romatic holiday for the weekend. To keep with the theme, he bought some chocolate body paint. Anyway, the story goes on and htey begin to use the body paint. Unfortunately, the man was first to use it, so where will a man put it to be licked off? Take a guess. Anyway, unfortunately the guy read the label wrong, and instead of microwaving it for 3 seconds on high, he microwaved it for 3 minutes on high before putting it straight onto his genitals. Got some serious burns here (and for all us guys, ouchies)

2-Perhaps another one of my favourites is yet again about a very poot guy. In this story, i will use the names Borris and Bob, to hide the names of the very painful.

Borris and Bob worked at the same workplace, and were somewhat friends, but not great friends. It was Bob's last day on the job, and their boss was a d******d, so Bob decided to get him back. When his bos went to the toilet, bob put some superglue around his bosses mug, and then left snickering.

Unfortunately, Borris didnt like his boss much either, and saw his bosses unattended coffee mug, and the boss nowhere in site. To py his boss back for being a dickhead, he unzipped his fly, and begun to urinate in his bosses coffee. What Borris did not know was that superglue was on the rim of the cup. When Borris heard his boss coming, he thought he better zip up, but oh-oh, mr winky is stuck on the cup. His boss then comes in, and finds his employee with his @#$% stuck to his coffee mug.

Anyway, the story goes on, and to get mr winky saved the poor bugger loses a testicle, and I dont think BOb has told him where the superglue came from.

There we have it, 2 of my favourite Darwin Awards.

And Today's Joke:

________________________________

*Make a drumroll sound*

_________________________________

*Explain to partner why you look like an idiot making a drumroll sound*

________________________________________________________

Ok.

One day a guy had just bought a new motorbike, buta few of the rubber thingies were lose, so he took some vacolene to cover it up incase it rained.

His girlfriend came home that night and said she wanted to go to her parents for chirstmas dinner. He is a little upset, but he agrees.

On arrival,she tells her boyfriend not to say a word. 3 years ago there was a fight over who should do the chirstmas dishes. Nobody wanted to, so it was agreed that the next person to speak does the dishes. The boyfriend walks in and sees piles of dirty dishes.

While eating, every one was silent, so the boyfriend decided to have some fun. He lifts his girlfriend up on the table, bangs her and puts her back. The father isnt happy, the mother is gobsmacked and the girl is embarassed.

15 minutes later it was still silent. The boyfriend then grabs the mother, lifts her on the table and bangs her. The father is disgusted, the girlfriend isnt happy and the mother looks a little happier.

It then begins to rain. Remembering his motorbike, the boyfriend grabs his can of vasolene and gets up.

The father suddenly gets up and screams "Ok Ok, Ill do the bloody dishes"

Hehehehehe

[Aldaron]

looooooool! Sweet jokes Khazun!

[Khazun]

Thanks Aldy.

More tomorrow.

[Aldaron]

Yay!

[Khazun]

Oh well.

Special Treat for Aldy, Some Pregnancy Questions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?

A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?

A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?

A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?

A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

[TheCobra1]

I don't know any more.