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chichigrande

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Posts posted by chichigrande

  21. Jokes

    in Introductions & Off-Topic Discussion

    Posted

    Words To Live By

    - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    - For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

    - He who hesitates is probably right.

    - No one is listening until you make a mistake.

    - Success always occurs in private, and failure always occurs in full view.

    - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    - Two wrongs are only the beginning.

    - Monday is an awful way to spend 14.3% of your life.

    - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    - The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train.

    - If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

    - Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

    - Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

    - On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    - Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

    - Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

    - I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

    - Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

    - Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

    - I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

    - I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

    - Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    - I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

    - Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

    - A day without sunshine is like night.

    - I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I better give somebody else a chance to post some jokes.

    Sentence For Sadam Hussein

    in Hall of Intellectuals

    Posted

    I think death is too nice for people like him, anyway wouldn't he look foward to death so he could spend all of eternity in his holy land being worshipped as a god.

    Anyway, I think we should put him in prison and he would have to share a cell with the nastiest, meanest, and most hard-core person in prison. Then it would teach him to mess with america. (He would have to take showers with him and his "buddy" could have a little fun with him :brow: )

    If that doesn't work I am all for Jason's plan.

  24. Jokes

    in Introductions & Off-Topic Discussion

    Posted

    Name Puns We'd All Like To See

    1. - If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

    2. - If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

    3. - If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah

    Chopra.

    4. - If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced

    him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John

    Newton John.

    5. - If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to

    marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness

    Munster.

    6. - If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

    7. - If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be

    Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

    8. - Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has

    no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a

    marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then

    Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

    9. - If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean

    (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM),

    and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be

    Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

    10. - If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and

    married Gregory Peck (hey, it's the 2000's), divorced him

    and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

    11. - If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even

    further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then

    divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and

    married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod

    understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers

    Lucky Short Guy."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    41 Questions That Make You Think

    1. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty

    litter?

    2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

    3. If there is no God, who pops up the next kleenex in the box?

    4. When a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?

    5. Why do they put braille on the number pads of drive-through

    teller machines?

    6. How did a fool and his money get together?

    7. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the

    pan?

    8. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

    9. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    10. What's another word for thesaurus?

    11. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

    12. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

    13. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

    14. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

    15. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    16. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

    17. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they

    taste funny?

    18. When you choke a smurf, what color do they turn?

    19. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

    20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

    21. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at

    the special olympics?

    22. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

    23. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

    24. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

    25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    26. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    27. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

    28. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

    29. Is it possible to be totally partial?

    30. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

    31. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with

    their lights off?

    32. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a

    sound?

    33. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right

    to remain silent?

    34. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    35. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

    36. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    37. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

    38. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

    39. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

    40. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when

    they're already there?

    41. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal"

    or "chicken bird!"

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