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chichigrande

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Posts posted by chichigrande

  3. Jokes

    in Introductions & Off-Topic Discussion

    Posted

    Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

    A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

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    Q: What do you name a dog with no hind legs ans metal testicles?

    A: Sparky

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    Q: Where do you find a dig with no legs?

    A: Right where you left it.

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    Signs That You're A Drunk

    1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

    4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

    7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

    8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

    9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    10. You fall off the floor

    11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

    12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

    14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

    15. Roseanne looks good

    16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

    17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

    18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

    19. You've fallen and can't get up.

    20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

  13. Jokes

    in Introductions & Off-Topic Discussion

    Posted

    Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

    A: Ground beef.

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    Funny Answering Machine Messages

    1) The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade and the secret password.

    2) Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you.

    3) Hi, this is [YOUR NAME]'s refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that [YOUR NAME] receives it promptly.

    4) This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when.

    5) Hi. Now you say something.

    6) This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again.

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    Q: Whats the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

    A: A golfer goes, whack!..."darn!"

    And a skydiver goes, "darn!"... whack!

  23. Jokes

    in Introductions & Off-Topic Discussion

    Posted

    What not to say to a cop:

    1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

    2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

    3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

    4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

    5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

    6. Bad cop! No donut!

    7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

    8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

    9. I pay your salary.

    10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

    11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

    12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist.

    13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

    14. By the looks of that gut, I bet I can outrun you.

    15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

    16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

    17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

    18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around—that's how far they are ahead of me.

    19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

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